Oh Taco Bell Facebook page, is it that obvious?
The dating game at twenty-four in a small city is slim pickings. Thankfully I live close enough to metro Los Angeles and like driving enough to make the trip out meet people in places that aren’t here. But of course, I have hang ups, as anyone whose experience in the dating world is somewhat… small. Plus I’m really, REALLY picky (excuse me for thinking that being able to spell properly is an attractive trait).
I had met someone that I actually managed to like… and feel comfortable around, which at this point in my life is really difficult. I hadn’t had any expectations when I first met him, because I have zero confidence, but then he happened to make it through my brain’s “you’ll only get hurt” defences and into my daily thoughts. And now I’m in a bind.
He doesn’t like me. And that’s fine. I mean, I want to be able to say that it’s fine and that I’m fine without being emo and sad because “adult” me understands that is how life goes. But I can’t help but wonder what it is about me that isn’t likable. I tend to focus on the physical rather than the mental/verbal/emotional because I don’t like the way I look and don’t think that others should either, but I’m sure it’s a combination of something or another.
These days, with each passing day if I’m honest, I begin to wonder if anyone could ever like me, let alone love me. I’m a great friend, as I’ve been told, but am I a great partner? Am I “wifey material?” I don’t really know. I just know that I’m really tired of being in the same place that I’ve always been in when it comes to the relationships department.
But changing that status takes effort. Effort that I don’t want to take because being hurt is scary and my fragile little heart doesn’t enjoy heartbreak of any kind. Hell, I get all soppy when there’s conflict in romance novels, what makes you think that I’d be okay with that kind of shit in my real life?
It sucks feeling unworthy, unattractive, and unloved. Maybe some Taco Bell will change my mood. Right now though, even food can’t replace this empty feeling I have inside me.
Merry Christmas, my friend!
All the best to you and your loved ones in year 2014.