Living life and Loss: 2021 Sucked — PT 1

TW: Suicide, Depression, Mental Health

It’s the last day of January 2022 and I’ve been trying to figure out how to get back into blogging since June 2021. I mean, I’ve been paying for the {dot}com and telling people that I’m a writer and yet hardly any updates for so long. My voice, much like my heart and head, has been numb — muted by something seemingly more powerful than I can control. Wait… depression just feels like it’s more powerful than I can control. Or is it more powerful? Am I giving it too much power? Who knows. Anyway, my depression has been kicking my ass.

Let me roll back to June of 2021. I tried to kill myself. Yep. After 20 years of wanting to die, I made my first attempt on my life. I had messed up financially for the Nth time and I was sick of it. Ashamed of myself. Fed up with everything and everyone and saw no way out. I said my goodbyes on Instagram and attempted to overdose on a half a Costco-sized bottle of pills. It didn’t work.

I woke up hours later in an ER, my mother softly praying next to me. They scanned me and checked me for any internal damage and what came next was what any person who is somewhat well-versed in the mental health system would expect. The wait for the a into a psychiatric unit.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, in my area psychiatric units in hospitals are few and far between. There wasn’t one in the hospital where I was, but there was one in the town over — though there’s no guarantee that would be the one I would stay at. I’ve actually never stayed in a psychiatric unit in my hometown. I’ve always been at least 50+ miles away. From experience, I knew that waiting for an open bed in my county would take a while, but I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

I was stabilized and transferred from what I’m guessing was the ICU area of the ER into the hallway of the psych area of the ER and patiently waited for my transfer. That first night there, I saw a psychiatrist who said I was probably bipolar and added lithium to my regimen. Yay for another pill I’m going to have trouble remembering to take! The nurses seemed nice enough, one was a no-nonsense, kind of blunt lady, one was a softer, “I get it” kind of lady, and there were CNAs assigned to watch me like a hawk, in case anything happens again, I guess. I tried to be nice to all of them because I have family that works in healthcare and if I can make someone’s shift easier by not being a jerk, then I definitely will.

But the wait seemed weirder than usual. I figured I’d be in the ER hallway for a day while they sorted out what psychiatric unit I’d be going to, but things were taking a while. In my drug addled state, I hazily remember telling them I have sleep apnea, which in combination of the reason why I was being sent to a psychiatric unit made me… “difficult to place.”

“Difficult to place?” I thought angrily as the hours slowly ticked in that hallway. All my anger and hopelessness about our mental health system came flooding in again. The despair one feels when one wants help, but there’s no help available is pretty awful. It usually shuts me down pretty hard and leaves me in a “why bother,” state. But being in an ER hallway lit a fire in me to get out. If I wasn’t going into a unit, there was no reason for me to be wasting my time in a damned hallway. So I constantly begged the nurses to talk to the psychiatrist to let me go. Every night, they said they weren’t sure when the doctor would be in.

I would spend FIVE NIGHTS in the hallway before the no-nonsense nurse decided to switch things up and I finally got a room. A room where the door had to stay open, but at least I wasn’t watching the comings and goings of the psych portion of the ER anymore. Eventually I was switched to a room with a TV, which was nice, but still something I felt I could do from the comfort of my own home, so I still attempted to advocate for me to leave. I asked the nurses how long could someone stay in this limbo and one replied, “well we did have someone who stayed in the ER for a couple months.” My eyes widened and my resolve grew stronger. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I got things to do!

On night 7, the psychiatrist finally came and rescinded the hold that was keeping me in the hospital and I was freed! And terrified. Would I be able to change my ways? Would I be able to find some glimmer of hope that would keep me on this earth— make me WANT to stay alive? I knew one thing, I NEVER want to experience that kind of hospital stay again. To feel trapped and unwanted and unfixable by the system that is supposed to want me to get better? No thanks.

I decided, as I sat there waiting for my ride home, that I would try and figure this out again. Try the things that worked before (like blogging, cooking, and being a good mental health advocate) and see if they still work. Maybe try to maintain a fitness routine (*unenthusiastic yay*) that will help me in other ways beyond my mental health. I’m not sure what will work and what won’t, but you can be sure that I’m not going out without a fight. 2021 sucked, but life keeps going on. I have to keep going too.

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Back to Bloggery

I can’t believe it’s been over two years since my last post. I can’t believe I paid for my URL and web whatnot for the past two years without so much as a, “Hello readers!”

Well, for those of you who aren’t friends who click on the link that ends up getting posted on my Facebook wall, I haven’t been doing too well with the whole “mental illness recovery” thing. I think that a great deal of apathy on my part makes it difficult to try and move forward with my life. I want to believe that I can stay in recovery, but from my own personal experiences, I know that the resources are few and far between. I’ll have to channel the strength from deep within me. I hope I still have strength to fight my demons.

I’m hoping to try and keep up with the blogging (or bloggery as I call it), now that I’m no longer laptopless! Yep, you heard it first folks, I’m finally back and typing on a laptop that isn’t falling apart! I’m still keeping ole reliable: my 2007 MacBook Pro for Photoshop things, because apparently it can still do that stuff without issue. My old laptop was just literally falling to pieces. It no longer had a battery and it was missing some keyboard keys. And the bezel (the frame holding the screen) was cracked.

The new laptop is a used one I bought off of Facebook from a friend of a friend. It’s a 2012 MacBook Pro and I’m hoping it’ll last me until I finish nursing school, because yes, I’m still attempting to finish all my classes for that.

Going to school has been a struggle for me because I live so much in my head that it makes it hard to concentrate on certain things. I’m constantly telling myself I’m going to fail. I don’t know how I got this way, but I know that I have to mentally win over that side of me. I often imagine two me’s fighting; I just can’t let sad me win. And I’ve been letting sad me win for the past five years. It’s time to make that change.

I’m approaching 30 quicker than I want (my birthday is next week) and it’s making me evaluate my life choices more than usual. I know I can’t change the past, but I do have some regrets. I’m still on the fence about whether or not finishing nursing school earlier would have been a better choice. I know that there were some things I *HAD* to learn before figuring out other parts of my life, like a career choice.

The trouble is, I’m at a crossroads where I have to commit to one career choice. I’m already able to transfer to university to do something like Sociology or Communications or I can just buckle down and finish my nursing degree. I’m still not sure of where to take it. Everyone says nursing, because I’m so close to finishing and I’ve been in health care for so long anyway.

I suppose it’s only the natural choice. I can always write on my days off and I won’t worry about being broke.

Wow, this post is pretty all over the place, but I’m just glad to be writing again. Let’s see what {mis}adventures I’ll be getting into this year with the blog! I know I’ll be trying to update its look and try to get my own ads put on here (so I’m making some sort of income, instead of WordPress profiting of my meager view count, haha).

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for lots of new stuff! Including a giveaway soon!

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The Road Less Traveled…

I promise this isn’t an entry about me gushing over my love for the open road, Subarus, or anything related to my favorite pastime of driving. No, this is just some random thoughts about taking the long way around.

This summer marks yet another change in my life. Or at least, the beginning of another new adventure. I’ve decided enact Plan Z… And start the process of becoming a registered nurse. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and while I do still have some misgivings (like “OMG THERE’S NO WAY I CAN PASS THE NCLEX!!!!! I’M TOO DUMB!!!”) which still echo in my mind, I think that this is the best choice for me at the moment.

If you knew me once upon a time, nursing school was Plan A. Then things happened, I changed and changed and changed. The one thing that remained a constant was my inability to stop comparing myself to others, especially around graduation time. I keep seeing my friends becoming successful – achieving milestones – and I would be sitting here crying my eyes out because I couldn’t get my brain to work with me.

But as I recovered and am now in a better place than I was 10 years ago, I realize that I had to take the journey that I did. I had to work on my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation… To get to a point where I was healthy enough to battle through it, rather than just sulk in it. I made mistakes, I burned bridges, but I needed to. No regrets. Sorry, not sorry.

The road I traveled lead me on an incredible journey, mostly through the caverns of my brain. It’s not easy living a life when you question every move you make, even the idea of existing. In my journey, I made friends, I lost friends, and I made the conscious decision to take people out of my life. I’ve created great memories that will last me a lifetime. Both good and bad. Well, I wouldn’t say bad… Let’s call them “interesting.” And for the most part, it’s been better. I’ve been able to handle the “interesting” much better than I ever have.

I realize now that I can’t constantly compare myself to others’ success. I know I’ll continue to do it, but I’m a work in progress, don’t judge me. I have to remind myself about the other successes that I’ve had, especially in working on my recovery from mental illness.

The road has been rocky and sometimes unbearable, but I know now that I’m right where I need to be.


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Satisfaction {NOT} Guaranteed

Wouldn’t it be awesome if life had a money back guarantee? That when we became adults, some guy comes up and tells us that regardless of all the troubles and hardships we may face, that it’ll all work out in the end? I was in bed earlier thinking about this — bored, frustrated, and feeling rather low — when it dawned on me to open up my iPad and start to write.

I have very seldom felt that satisfied feeling about my life. I kept telling myself, “Once [insert specific occasion here], I’ll start to feel more satisfied.” I thought that once I got a job I would start to feel like my life was turning around. When that didn’t happen, I told myself, “once I get a full time job, I’ll start to feel satisfied.” Well, that has yet to happen. I thought maybe, “once I start to date, I’ll feel more satisfied,” when it came to relationships, but that made me more frustrated than anything. And slowly, as time passed by, the overwhelming feeling of unsatisfaction began to build.

Until everything broke down. I find myself rebuilding and reevaluating my life, trying to keep my head above ground, trying to keep my thoughts away from suicide, and trying to feel content about the life I’ve been told I have to live. And the one thing I’ve learned — though not always done — is that recovery takes action. It’s scary and it doesn’t always turn out ok, but things never change until you move.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Moving… Ever so slowly, like a tortoise on a journey. Just call me Oogway. Just kidding. Don’t call me that… It’s too close to ooglay. I’ve started by trying to get my room in order, a long, arduous task that I’m not loving because I have a lot of stuff. Then once that’s in order, back to work, where that journey leads me, I have yet to find out, but I’m hoping that it’ll lead me somewhere I feel safe and not always so stressed, because I know most of what my mental illness can’t handle and I don’t want to end up here again. 

As I look at my friends’ lives, those getting married, having kids, graduating from college or grad school, getting promotions and being successful, I have to remind myself not to compare my life to theirs. As happy as I am for them, there’s always a part of my brain that is jealous that I haven’t reached those milestones… Yet. I have to remind myself that the YET is still there. YET can still happen, but I have to move forward, even if it’s just at a turtle’s pace. 

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Return of theMEESH


Ever since I thought of the title of this entry, Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison has been playing in my head. I realize it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted an entry in my MEESHyrific blog, whether it was about driving, mental health, or, especially, my attempts to not blow up the kitchen, but I had quite a 2015.

I wish that I could tell you guys that the worst thing that happened in the past year was losing my writer’s voice, but it wasn’t. I left my job as a peer specialist for a thousand different reasons (to be later discussed in another entry, hopefully soon). I was blessed enough to quickly bounce back and get a job as a writer (GASP!), but my health issues, which I had wanted to address after I left the peer specialist job caught up with me.

It wasn’t that I just fell off the recovery wagon, but that the wagon left me stranded in the middle of the road, kicked dirt in my face, and I was lost without a road map back to wellness for pretty much since…. A couple weeks ago.

I’ve been meaning to write so many different things since I found the recovery wagon, but I haven’t felt like getting anything down “on paper” until today. I suppose it’s because I’m not yet back on the wagon, so to speak, but I have it in my sights and am madly chasing it down! It’s been a very difficult journey this time around, simply because I really did lose all hope in finding recovery, in the mental health system, and especially in myself.

Living a life with suicidality isn’t easy and oftentimes unenjoyable, but I’m getting through it. I’m unsure of where this road goes, but I know that I have the support of my dear friends and family, and hopefully you, reader.

My plans for the next month is to revamp, get some entries under my belt, and maybe figure out a way to make a little money off this sucker, because I love blogging and telling you guys about my boring and happily crazy life, but homegirl needs money. Maybe I’ll put a donate button on here to help fund my blogging nonsense.

Until next time, fam! And hopefully next time isn’t in 2017!


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Don't judge the fuzziness... I wasn't supposed to be taking a picture

Don’t judge the fuzziness… I wasn’t supposed to be taking a picture

It hit me today — a need so strong that it couldn’t wait. It had to be quenched as soon as possible. I had to go drive. Those who know me, know that I’m constantly driving: to work, to the store, to some random event that I decided to attend at the last minute. But this is different. Like a siren calls a sailor to sea, the road beckons to me, urging me to run wild on the smooth asphalt lanes. Continue reading

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Abner: The Love Child of a Japanese Discount Store Magnate and a poor Korean Chef

Once upon a time, the son of a very rich man was sent to South Korea to find things to sell in their chain of discount stores. After a very long day of meeting after meeting, he felt the urge to do a bit of sightseeing. Paying too much attention to the map in his hands, he took a wrong turn and ended up in a place not befitting to a young man of his wealth.

He looked up and realized his mistake, but was immediately distracted from the delicious aroma coming from a building down the street. He went into the restaurant and asked the young store owner to make a plate for him. After the first bite, he fell in love with the food and the pretty little chef.

He spent the rest of his free time in South Korea with the chef, tasting all the wonderful creations she could cook. He had planned to marry her, but made the mistake of telling his father about his plan and was quickly taken back to Tokyo.

Nine months later, Abner was born. Continue reading

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I freely admit I’m a shopaholic, but…


I hate clothes shopping. I love fashion (or well, the idea of fashion), but being fat plus-sized makes every clothes shopping trip a traumatic event that I will only participate in when necessary. I don’t mind going WITH friends to go clothes shopping, but 9 times out of 10 I just end up in a consulting position, rather than a “let’s both try on clothes and see what’s good” type deal. Plus being plus-sized really limits who you can do that sort of thing with.

I’ve decided that with the new year, I’m going to take more care with how I look. I know that not everyone may feel this way, but for me, looking good has an ability to lift my mood… Though usually when I feel like dressing better, I’m already in a good mood, so maybe this would be more of an experiment in seeing if taking the time to look better will help me fake being perky and presentable on the days when I really don’t feel like it. Continue reading

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Promises, Lies, and Resolutions: 2014 Bucket List

Well it’s a new year and now it’s time to make a new list of goals that I hope to accomplish before the year is out. I think this year will have a few more practical things, some stuff that will be back from the 2013 Bucket List, and some stuff that I really want to buy. Here’s hoping that the important stuff gets done and that other memorable things happen anyway!

  1. Obtain full-time employment: I’m currently working part time at a job that I really enjoy. But this is the last year that I’ll be on my dad’s insurance, so I’m going to have to work hard to get hired in a full-time capacity at my job. I’m still trying to figure out if I want this to be the career path I follow. I’m not sure, but I’m leaning towards it.
  2. Finish my novel: Damn it, it’s hard to work on a novel while working. Keeping the inspiration alive is my hardest part… because while I have the general idea of the novel down, I can’t find the right words to put down. Hopefully I’ll be done by December and will be able to shop it around in 2015.
  3. New MacBook Pro: Le sigh. I need a new laptop. It’s hard to keep up with social media, networking, and other various computer-y stuff with a computer that needs more body work to make it function as a working laptop. I know I could just get a PC in the interim, but the idea makes me muy sadcow.
  4. Lose some weight: I’m hoping to be under a certain weight bracket before the end of the year. My plan is to get into that whole juicing thing in February, once I get some stuff handled this January.
  5. Go back to school, part-time and figure out my education goals: I signed up for one course this spring, just to get my feet wet. I’m trying to figure out what degree(s) I want and where I want to get them. I plan to pay for as much of it by myself, so I’m going to have to commit to a plan before I actually transfer to university.
  6. Save some money / Work on my money management skills: I’m horrible with money, but now that I’m getting older, I realize that I have to start saving in order to get out of the position that I’m in currently. WHEN I get my full-time job, it’ll be much easier to get more done, but I still have to work on not being a shop-a-holic.
  7. Fall in Like:  Meh, my forays into dating has me wondering if my standards are too high or if I’m looking in the wrong places. I’m not looking for much, but it’d be nice to feel pretty.

2013 was good to me. I made so much progress with my illness, finding my voice, and figuring out some of the things that I want out of this very precious life that I have. I’m positive that 2014 will bring even better change and more happiness. I hope yours is just as good.

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Ugh. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to keep blogging.

Well, readers, 2013 was an interesting year. I completed a few things on my bucket list. Some things were out of my hands financially, some things I lost interest in, and others… well I kinda wish I never put it on there.

I got my tattoo. I went out of state on a total and absolute misadventure that brought me a great new friendship. And… I fell in…. like with someone.

I stopped baking about halfway through the year. Why? Because starting a food business out of your home in Los Angeles County is harder than I thought. The sink in my house is still not fixed and is, in fact, worsening in condition, but we still can’t afford to fix it, so it’ll probably stay that way for a while.

I’m still working on the novel. I get bursts of inspiration to write, but my special writing place has been taken away, due to a restaurant opening in that sad, little marketplace. I have no idea where I can write now. Maybe I’ll get a folding table and chair from Ikea and just leave it in the trunk of my car. That would make it easier to just buckle down and write wherever I can find some privacy.

Also! Good news! I’m currently employed! I found work in a field that I really love and I’m hoping to make it full time. It’s interesting work, doesn’t have amazing pay, but it’s work and it’s in town, which is good.

And about that … falling in like…. sigh. Now I remember why I stopped liking IRL people. It never pans out. Ah well, at least I can say I tried.

Hopefully I’ll get to writing the new bucket list soon.

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