Back to Bloggery

I can’t believe it’s been over two years since my last post. I can’t believe I paid for my URL and web whatnot for the past two years without so much as a, “Hello readers!”

Well, for those of you who aren’t friends who click on the link that ends up getting posted on my Facebook wall, I haven’t been doing too well with the whole “mental illness recovery” thing. I think that a great deal of apathy on my part makes it difficult to try and move forward with my life. I want to believe that I can stay in recovery, but from my own personal experiences, I know that the resources are few and far between. I’ll have to channel the strength from deep within me. I hope I still have strength to fight my demons.

I’m hoping to try and keep up with the blogging (or bloggery as I call it), now that I’m no longer laptopless! Yep, you heard it first folks, I’m finally back and typing on a laptop that isn’t falling apart! I’m still keeping ole reliable: my 2007 MacBook Pro for Photoshop things, because apparently it can still do that stuff without issue. My old laptop was just literally falling to pieces. It no longer had a battery and it was missing some keyboard keys. And the bezel (the frame holding the screen) was cracked.

The new laptop is a used one I bought off of Facebook from a friend of a friend. It’s a 2012 MacBook Pro and I’m hoping it’ll last me until I finish nursing school, because yes, I’m still attempting to finish all my classes for that.

Going to school has been a struggle for me because I live so much in my head that it makes it hard to concentrate on certain things. I’m constantly telling myself I’m going to fail. I don’t know how I got this way, but I know that I have to mentally win over that side of me. I often imagine two me’s fighting; I just can’t let sad me win. And I’ve been letting sad me win for the past five years. It’s time to make that change.

I’m approaching 30 quicker than I want (my birthday is next week) and it’s making me evaluate my life choices more than usual. I know I can’t change the past, but I do have some regrets. I’m still on the fence about whether or not finishing nursing school earlier would have been a better choice. I know that there were some things I *HAD* to learn before figuring out other parts of my life, like a career choice.

The trouble is, I’m at a crossroads where I have to commit to one career choice. I’m already able to transfer to university to do something like Sociology or Communications or I can just buckle down and finish my nursing degree. I’m still not sure of where to take it. Everyone says nursing, because I’m so close to finishing and I’ve been in health care for so long anyway.

I suppose it’s only the natural choice. I can always write on my days off and I won’t worry about being broke.

Wow, this post is pretty all over the place, but I’m just glad to be writing again. Let’s see what {mis}adventures I’ll be getting into this year with the blog! I know I’ll be trying to update its look and try to get my own ads put on here (so I’m making some sort of income, instead of WordPress profiting of my meager view count, haha).

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for lots of new stuff! Including a giveaway soon!

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The Road Less Traveled…

I promise this isn’t an entry about me gushing over my love for the open road, Subarus, or anything related to my favorite pastime of driving. No, this is just some random thoughts about taking the long way around.

This summer marks yet another change in my life. Or at least, the beginning of another new adventure. I’ve decided enact Plan Z… And start the process of becoming a registered nurse. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and while I do still have some misgivings (like “OMG THERE’S NO WAY I CAN PASS THE NCLEX!!!!! I’M TOO DUMB!!!”) which still echo in my mind, I think that this is the best choice for me at the moment.

If you knew me once upon a time, nursing school was Plan A. Then things happened, I changed and changed and changed. The one thing that remained a constant was my inability to stop comparing myself to others, especially around graduation time. I keep seeing my friends becoming successful – achieving milestones – and I would be sitting here crying my eyes out because I couldn’t get my brain to work with me.

But as I recovered and am now in a better place than I was 10 years ago, I realize that I had to take the journey that I did. I had to work on my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation… To get to a point where I was healthy enough to battle through it, rather than just sulk in it. I made mistakes, I burned bridges, but I needed to. No regrets. Sorry, not sorry.

The road I traveled lead me on an incredible journey, mostly through the caverns of my brain. It’s not easy living a life when you question every move you make, even the idea of existing. In my journey, I made friends, I lost friends, and I made the conscious decision to take people out of my life. I’ve created great memories that will last me a lifetime. Both good and bad. Well, I wouldn’t say bad… Let’s call them “interesting.” And for the most part, it’s been better. I’ve been able to handle the “interesting” much better than I ever have.

I realize now that I can’t constantly compare myself to others’ success. I know I’ll continue to do it, but I’m a work in progress, don’t judge me. I have to remind myself about the other successes that I’ve had, especially in working on my recovery from mental illness.

The road has been rocky and sometimes unbearable, but I know now that I’m right where I need to be.

 

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Satisfaction {NOT} Guaranteed

Wouldn’t it be awesome if life had a money back guarantee? That when we became adults, some guy comes up and tells us that regardless of all the troubles and hardships we may face, that it’ll all work out in the end? I was in bed earlier thinking about this — bored, frustrated, and feeling rather low — when it dawned on me to open up my iPad and start to write.

I have very seldom felt that satisfied feeling about my life. I kept telling myself, “Once [insert specific occasion here], I’ll start to feel more satisfied.” I thought that once I got a job I would start to feel like my life was turning around. When that didn’t happen, I told myself, “once I get a full time job, I’ll start to feel satisfied.” Well, that has yet to happen. I thought maybe, “once I start to date, I’ll feel more satisfied,” when it came to relationships, but that made me more frustrated than anything. And slowly, as time passed by, the overwhelming feeling of unsatisfaction began to build.

Until everything broke down. I find myself rebuilding and reevaluating my life, trying to keep my head above ground, trying to keep my thoughts away from suicide, and trying to feel content about the life I’ve been told I have to live. And the one thing I’ve learned — though not always done — is that recovery takes action. It’s scary and it doesn’t always turn out ok, but things never change until you move.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Moving… Ever so slowly, like a tortoise on a journey. Just call me Oogway. Just kidding. Don’t call me that… It’s too close to ooglay. I’ve started by trying to get my room in order, a long, arduous task that I’m not loving because I have a lot of stuff. Then once that’s in order, back to work, where that journey leads me, I have yet to find out, but I’m hoping that it’ll lead me somewhere I feel safe and not always so stressed, because I know most of what my mental illness can’t handle and I don’t want to end up here again. 

As I look at my friends’ lives, those getting married, having kids, graduating from college or grad school, getting promotions and being successful, I have to remind myself not to compare my life to theirs. As happy as I am for them, there’s always a part of my brain that is jealous that I haven’t reached those milestones… Yet. I have to remind myself that the YET is still there. YET can still happen, but I have to move forward, even if it’s just at a turtle’s pace. 

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Return of theMEESH

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Ever since I thought of the title of this entry, Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison has been playing in my head. I realize it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted an entry in my MEESHyrific blog, whether it was about driving, mental health, or, especially, my attempts to not blow up the kitchen, but I had quite a 2015.

I wish that I could tell you guys that the worst thing that happened in the past year was losing my writer’s voice, but it wasn’t. I left my job as a peer specialist for a thousand different reasons (to be later discussed in another entry, hopefully soon). I was blessed enough to quickly bounce back and get a job as a writer (GASP!), but my health issues, which I had wanted to address after I left the peer specialist job caught up with me.

It wasn’t that I just fell off the recovery wagon, but that the wagon left me stranded in the middle of the road, kicked dirt in my face, and I was lost without a road map back to wellness for pretty much since…. A couple weeks ago.

I’ve been meaning to write so many different things since I found the recovery wagon, but I haven’t felt like getting anything down “on paper” until today. I suppose it’s because I’m not yet back on the wagon, so to speak, but I have it in my sights and am madly chasing it down! It’s been a very difficult journey this time around, simply because I really did lose all hope in finding recovery, in the mental health system, and especially in myself.

Living a life with suicidality isn’t easy and oftentimes unenjoyable, but I’m getting through it. I’m unsure of where this road goes, but I know that I have the support of my dear friends and family, and hopefully you, reader.

My plans for the next month is to revamp theMEESH.com, get some entries under my belt, and maybe figure out a way to make a little money off this sucker, because I love blogging and telling you guys about my boring and happily crazy life, but homegirl needs money. Maybe I’ll put a donate button on here to help fund my blogging nonsense.

Until next time, fam! And hopefully next time isn’t in 2017!

-Meesh.

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Wanderlust

Don't judge the fuzziness... I wasn't supposed to be taking a picture

Don’t judge the fuzziness… I wasn’t supposed to be taking a picture

It hit me today — a need so strong that it couldn’t wait. It had to be quenched as soon as possible. I had to go drive. Those who know me, know that I’m constantly driving: to work, to the store, to some random event that I decided to attend at the last minute. But this is different. Like a siren calls a sailor to sea, the road beckons to me, urging me to run wild on the smooth asphalt lanes. Continue reading

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Abner: The Love Child of a Japanese Discount Store Magnate and a poor Korean Chef

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Once upon a time, the son of a very rich man was sent to South Korea to find things to sell in their chain of discount stores. After a very long day of meeting after meeting, he felt the urge to do a bit of sightseeing. Paying too much attention to the map in his hands, he took a wrong turn and ended up in a place not befitting to a young man of his wealth.

He looked up and realized his mistake, but was immediately distracted from the delicious aroma coming from a building down the street. He went into the restaurant and asked the young store owner to make a plate for him. After the first bite, he fell in love with the food and the pretty little chef.

He spent the rest of his free time in South Korea with the chef, tasting all the wonderful creations she could cook. He had planned to marry her, but made the mistake of telling his father about his plan and was quickly taken back to Tokyo.

Nine months later, Abner was born. Continue reading

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I freely admit I’m a shopaholic, but…

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I hate clothes shopping. I love fashion (or well, the idea of fashion), but being fat plus-sized makes every clothes shopping trip a traumatic event that I will only participate in when necessary. I don’t mind going WITH friends to go clothes shopping, but 9 times out of 10 I just end up in a consulting position, rather than a “let’s both try on clothes and see what’s good” type deal. Plus being plus-sized really limits who you can do that sort of thing with.

I’ve decided that with the new year, I’m going to take more care with how I look. I know that not everyone may feel this way, but for me, looking good has an ability to lift my mood… Though usually when I feel like dressing better, I’m already in a good mood, so maybe this would be more of an experiment in seeing if taking the time to look better will help me fake being perky and presentable on the days when I really don’t feel like it. Continue reading

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