Wouldn’t it be awesome if life had a money back guarantee? That when we became adults, some guy comes up and tells us that regardless of all the troubles and hardships we may face, that it’ll all work out in the end? I was in bed earlier thinking about this — bored, frustrated, and feeling rather low — when it dawned on me to open up my iPad and start to write.
I have very seldom felt that satisfied feeling about my life. I kept telling myself, “Once [insert specific occasion here], I’ll start to feel more satisfied.” I thought that once I got a job I would start to feel like my life was turning around. When that didn’t happen, I told myself, “once I get a full time job, I’ll start to feel satisfied.” Well, that has yet to happen. I thought maybe, “once I start to date, I’ll feel more satisfied,” when it came to relationships, but that made me more frustrated than anything. And slowly, as time passed by, the overwhelming feeling of unsatisfaction began to build.
Until everything broke down. I find myself rebuilding and reevaluating my life, trying to keep my head above ground, trying to keep my thoughts away from suicide, and trying to feel content about the life I’ve been told I have to live. And the one thing I’ve learned — though not always done — is that recovery takes action. It’s scary and it doesn’t always turn out ok, but things never change until you move.
So that’s what I’ve been doing. Moving… Ever so slowly, like a tortoise on a journey. Just call me Oogway. Just kidding. Don’t call me that… It’s too close to ooglay. I’ve started by trying to get my room in order, a long, arduous task that I’m not loving because I have a lot of stuff. Then once that’s in order, back to work, where that journey leads me, I have yet to find out, but I’m hoping that it’ll lead me somewhere I feel safe and not always so stressed, because I know most of what my mental illness can’t handle and I don’t want to end up here again.
As I look at my friends’ lives, those getting married, having kids, graduating from college or grad school, getting promotions and being successful, I have to remind myself not to compare my life to theirs. As happy as I am for them, there’s always a part of my brain that is jealous that I haven’t reached those milestones… Yet. I have to remind myself that the YET is still there. YET can still happen, but I have to move forward, even if it’s just at a turtle’s pace.