I promise this isn’t an entry about me gushing over my love for the open road, Subarus, or anything related to my favorite pastime of driving. No, this is just some random thoughts about taking the long way around.
This summer marks yet another change in my life. Or at least, the beginning of another new adventure. I’ve decided enact Plan Z… And start the process of becoming a registered nurse. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and while I do still have some misgivings (like “OMG THERE’S NO WAY I CAN PASS THE NCLEX!!!!! I’M TOO DUMB!!!”) which still echo in my mind, I think that this is the best choice for me at the moment.
If you knew me once upon a time, nursing school was Plan A. Then things happened, I changed and changed and changed. The one thing that remained a constant was my inability to stop comparing myself to others, especially around graduation time. I keep seeing my friends becoming successful – achieving milestones – and I would be sitting here crying my eyes out because I couldn’t get my brain to work with me.
But as I recovered and am now in a better place than I was 10 years ago, I realize that I had to take the journey that I did. I had to work on my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation… To get to a point where I was healthy enough to battle through it, rather than just sulk in it. I made mistakes, I burned bridges, but I needed to. No regrets. Sorry, not sorry.
The road I traveled lead me on an incredible journey, mostly through the caverns of my brain. It’s not easy living a life when you question every move you make, even the idea of existing. In my journey, I made friends, I lost friends, and I made the conscious decision to take people out of my life. I’ve created great memories that will last me a lifetime. Both good and bad. Well, I wouldn’t say bad… Let’s call them “interesting.” And for the most part, it’s been better. I’ve been able to handle the “interesting” much better than I ever have.
I realize now that I can’t constantly compare myself to others’ success. I know I’ll continue to do it, but I’m a work in progress, don’t judge me. I have to remind myself about the other successes that I’ve had, especially in working on my recovery from mental illness.
The road has been rocky and sometimes unbearable, but I know now that I’m right where I need to be.