Promises, Lies, and Resolutions: 2014 Bucket List

Well it’s a new year and now it’s time to make a new list of goals that I hope to accomplish before the year is out. I think this year will have a few more practical things, some stuff that will be back from the 2013 Bucket List, and some stuff that I really want to buy. Here’s hoping that the important stuff gets done and that other memorable things happen anyway!

  1. Obtain full-time employment: I’m currently working part time at a job that I really enjoy. But this is the last year that I’ll be on my dad’s insurance, so I’m going to have to work hard to get hired in a full-time capacity at my job. I’m still trying to figure out if I want this to be the career path I follow. I’m not sure, but I’m leaning towards it.
  2. Finish my novel: Damn it, it’s hard to work on a novel while working. Keeping the inspiration alive is my hardest part… because while I have the general idea of the novel down, I can’t find the right words to put down. Hopefully I’ll be done by December and will be able to shop it around in 2015.
  3. New MacBook Pro: Le sigh. I need a new laptop. It’s hard to keep up with social media, networking, and other various computer-y stuff with a computer that needs more body work to make it function as a working laptop. I know I could just get a PC in the interim, but the idea makes me muy sadcow.
  4. Lose some weight: I’m hoping to be under a certain weight bracket before the end of the year. My plan is to get into that whole juicing thing in February, once I get some stuff handled this January.
  5. Go back to school, part-time and figure out my education goals: I signed up for one course this spring, just to get my feet wet. I’m trying to figure out what degree(s) I want and where I want to get them. I plan to pay for as much of it by myself, so I’m going to have to commit to a plan before I actually transfer to university.
  6. Save some money / Work on my money management skills: I’m horrible with money, but now that I’m getting older, I realize that I have to start saving in order to get out of the position that I’m in currently. WHEN I get my full-time job, it’ll be much easier to get more done, but I still have to work on not being a shop-a-holic.
  7. Fall in Like:  Meh, my forays into dating has me wondering if my standards are too high or if I’m looking in the wrong places. I’m not looking for much, but it’d be nice to feel pretty.

2013 was good to me. I made so much progress with my illness, finding my voice, and figuring out some of the things that I want out of this very precious life that I have. I’m positive that 2014 will bring even better change and more happiness. I hope yours is just as good.

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Ugh. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to keep blogging.

Well, readers, 2013 was an interesting year. I completed a few things on my bucket list. Some things were out of my hands financially, some things I lost interest in, and others… well I kinda wish I never put it on there.

I got my tattoo. I went out of state on a total and absolute misadventure that brought me a great new friendship. And… I fell in…. like with someone.

I stopped baking about halfway through the year. Why? Because starting a food business out of your home in Los Angeles County is harder than I thought. The sink in my house is still not fixed and is, in fact, worsening in condition, but we still can’t afford to fix it, so it’ll probably stay that way for a while.

I’m still working on the novel. I get bursts of inspiration to write, but my special writing place has been taken away, due to a restaurant opening in that sad, little marketplace. I have no idea where I can write now. Maybe I’ll get a folding table and chair from Ikea and just leave it in the trunk of my car. That would make it easier to just buckle down and write wherever I can find some privacy.

Also! Good news! I’m currently employed! I found work in a field that I really love and I’m hoping to make it full time. It’s interesting work, doesn’t have amazing pay, but it’s work and it’s in town, which is good.

And about that … falling in like…. sigh. Now I remember why I stopped liking IRL people. It never pans out. Ah well, at least I can say I tried.

Hopefully I’ll get to writing the new bucket list soon.

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“Taco Bell Can Fix A Broken Heart”

Oh Taco Bell Facebook page, is it that obvious?

The dating game at twenty-four in a small city is slim pickings. Thankfully I live close enough to metro Los Angeles and like driving enough to make the trip out meet people in places that aren’t here. But of course, I have hang ups, as anyone whose experience in the dating world is somewhat… small. Plus I’m really, REALLY picky (excuse me for thinking that being able to spell properly is an attractive trait).

I had met someone that I actually managed to like… and feel comfortable around, which at this point in my life is really difficult. I hadn’t had any expectations when I first met him, because I have zero confidence, but then he happened to make it through my brain’s “you’ll only get hurt” defences and into my daily thoughts. And now I’m in a bind.

He doesn’t like me. And that’s fine. I mean, I want to be able to say that it’s fine and that I’m fine without being emo and sad because “adult” me understands that is how life goes. But I can’t help but wonder what it is about me that isn’t likable. I tend to focus on the physical rather than the mental/verbal/emotional because I don’t like the way I look and don’t think that others should either, but I’m sure it’s a combination of something or another.

These days, with each passing day if I’m honest, I begin to wonder if anyone could ever like me, let alone love me. I’m a great friend, as I’ve been told, but am I a great partner? Am I “wifey material?” I don’t really know. I just know that I’m really tired of being in the same place that I’ve always been in when it comes to the relationships department.

But changing that status takes effort. Effort that I don’t want to take because being hurt is scary and my fragile little heart doesn’t enjoy heartbreak of any kind. Hell, I get all soppy when there’s conflict in romance novels, what makes you think that I’d be okay with that kind of shit in my real life?

It sucks feeling unworthy, unattractive, and unloved. Maybe some Taco Bell will change my mood. Right now though, even food can’t replace this empty feeling I have inside me.

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No Posts in August? Let’s Fix That…

Hello my loves! I’m writing direct from the beautiful place that is… work. I’m always saying that I need to post more, but good lord, it’s difficult when your computer is on the fritz. How’s your lives been? Mine has been all sorts of wonderful. Of course, there has been some down points, but overall, I feel really good. Who doesn’t love to hear when a person suffering from depression is having more and more good days?

Work is a temporary thing for now, but I applied for a perma-position here at the company. I have, what I hope, is one last interview today and then BAM hired. Well… I know it’s not that easy, but I wish it was. It would be nice to have something permanent that I enjoy and I really do enjoy working where I am right now.

There’s not really an update on the LOOOOOOOOVE front. I’m trying to get out there and do that dating thing, but it’s not really going anywhere. I like someone, but I don’t know if the like me back. It’s like high school all over again. But he’s good company, so I can’t really complain.

I’ve been really into this new hobby called vaping. It’s helping with my cigarette smoking, but it’s not really cheaper by any means. I guess if I was only into it in a strictly smoking cessation type deal, it would be, but like all things that can become a hobby, it has gotten pricey. I’ll try and make a post eventually sometime soon. Or… sometime one day.

I hope to hear from you wonderful people soon and I’ll hopefully have a few more short stories to post as well.

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Sorry readers, it’s been so long…

Dearest readers, I hope you’ll forgive me for the interwebs silence that has inadvertently occurred here at It’s not that I’ve forgotten about you, my few, but absolutely wonderful readers, it’s just that life has actually begun to happen for me.

The novel is slowly, but surely becoming more than just bits and pieces. I’m only on part 3 (I used to call them chapters but apparently they’re REALLY long), but I’m actually working in order now, instead of writing little “scenes” from different chapters. I’ve found that I have the hardest time killing people off. I guess I’m just too nice.

I’ve got some temporary work that could *hopefully* become a permanent thing. It’s a crazy job, but for the most part enjoyable. Sometimes it gets a bit too noisy and crowded for my anxious nerves, but I have to persevere if I want to be a part of society right? Can’t go on forever hiding in my little mee-Shell.

We’re more than halfway through the year and I really feel like, for once, the good outweighs the bad. I’ve had some bad bad moments, but 2013 has been fairly good to me. I’m sure you’re part of the reason, readers, because finding my voice as a writer has probably been the best thing that has happened to me in forever and you’ve been there to read and give me motivation. Thanks for that, and let’s hope 2013 ends well and with my bucket list being finished.

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Post-Apocalyptic MEESHYland

I should be at my office working on my novel, but instead I’m breakfasting at my favorite local diner, writing this entry. The smoke from the fire burning in the Angeles National Forest has been brought to my area. It has dropped down to street level, obscuring the road slightly. The ash falls softly, like an evil snow that brings destruction. The air is oppressive, even for my smoker’s lungs.

I took the photo above yesterday, saying that fires make for interesting photographs, but today I’m reminded of the horror that it brings as well. I remember when the fire was dangerously close to us, only a few years back. Roads were closed off to my work and I literally saw patches of fire on the hills.

As scary as it sounds, I always remind myself that any place one lives will have a risk of natural disaster. There are tornados and hurricanes and earthquakes. No place is safe from things like this.

I hope that everyone in this area or anyone currently experiencing some sort of crazy natural occurrence stays safe. Hopefully it’ll be over soon.


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Surpassed my original “best ever” view count! Woot. Which really isn’t that great a feat because I’m still in double digits. Thanks to everyone who came by to read my short stories and randomness!

Hopefully I can get back into a blogging rhythm!

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