“Taco Bell Can Fix A Broken Heart”

Oh Taco Bell Facebook page, is it that obvious?

The dating game at twenty-four in a small city is slim pickings. Thankfully I live close enough to metro Los Angeles and like driving enough to make the trip out meet people in places that aren’t here. But of course, I have hang ups, as anyone whose experience in the dating world is somewhat… small. Plus I’m really, REALLY picky (excuse me for thinking that being able to spell properly is an attractive trait).

I had met someone that I actually managed to like… and feel comfortable around, which at this point in my life is really difficult. I hadn’t had any expectations when I first met him, because I have zero confidence, but then he happened to make it through my brain’s “you’ll only get hurt” defences and into my daily thoughts. And now I’m in a bind.

He doesn’t like me. And that’s fine. I mean, I want to be able to say that it’s fine and that I’m fine without being emo and sad because “adult” me understands that is how life goes. But I can’t help but wonder what it is about me that isn’t likable. I tend to focus on the physical rather than the mental/verbal/emotional because I don’t like the way I look and don’t think that others should either, but I’m sure it’s a combination of something or another.

These days, with each passing day if I’m honest, I begin to wonder if anyone could ever like me, let alone love me. I’m a great friend, as I’ve been told, but am I a great partner? Am I “wifey material?” I don’t really know. I just know that I’m really tired of being in the same place that I’ve always been in when it comes to the relationships department.

But changing that status takes effort. Effort that I don’t want to take because being hurt is scary and my fragile little heart doesn’t enjoy heartbreak of any kind. Hell, I get all soppy when there’s conflict in romance novels, what makes you think that I’d be okay with that kind of shit in my real life?

It sucks feeling unworthy, unattractive, and unloved. Maybe some Taco Bell will change my mood. Right now though, even food can’t replace this empty feeling I have inside me.

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No Posts in August? Let’s Fix That…

Hello my loves! I’m writing direct from the beautiful place that is… work. I’m always saying that I need to post more, but good lord, it’s difficult when your computer is on the fritz. How’s your lives been? Mine has been all sorts of wonderful. Of course, there has been some down points, but overall, I feel really good. Who doesn’t love to hear when a person suffering from depression is having more and more good days?

Work is a temporary thing for now, but I applied for a perma-position here at the company. I have, what I hope, is one last interview today and then BAM hired. Well… I know it’s not that easy, but I wish it was. It would be nice to have something permanent that I enjoy and I really do enjoy working where I am right now.

There’s not really an update on the LOOOOOOOOVE front. I’m trying to get out there and do that dating thing, but it’s not really going anywhere. I like someone, but I don’t know if the like me back. It’s like high school all over again. But he’s good company, so I can’t really complain.

I’ve been really into this new hobby called vaping. It’s helping with my cigarette smoking, but it’s not really cheaper by any means. I guess if I was only into it in a strictly smoking cessation type deal, it would be, but like all things that can become a hobby, it has gotten pricey. I’ll try and make a post eventually sometime soon. Or… sometime one day.

I hope to hear from you wonderful people soon and I’ll hopefully have a few more short stories to post as well.

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Sorry readers, it’s been so long…

Dearest readers, I hope you’ll forgive me for the interwebs silence that has inadvertently occurred here at theMEESH.com. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about you, my few, but absolutely wonderful readers, it’s just that life has actually begun to happen for me.

The novel is slowly, but surely becoming more than just bits and pieces. I’m only on part 3 (I used to call them chapters but apparently they’re REALLY long), but I’m actually working in order now, instead of writing little “scenes” from different chapters. I’ve found that I have the hardest time killing people off. I guess I’m just too nice.

I’ve got some temporary work that could *hopefully* become a permanent thing. It’s a crazy job, but for the most part enjoyable. Sometimes it gets a bit too noisy and crowded for my anxious nerves, but I have to persevere if I want to be a part of society right? Can’t go on forever hiding in my little mee-Shell.

We’re more than halfway through the year and I really feel like, for once, the good outweighs the bad. I’ve had some bad bad moments, but 2013 has been fairly good to me. I’m sure you’re part of the reason, readers, because finding my voice as a writer has probably been the best thing that has happened to me in forever and you’ve been there to read and give me motivation. Thanks for that, and let’s hope 2013 ends well and with my bucket list being finished.

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Post-Apocalyptic MEESHYland

I should be at my office working on my novel, but instead I’m breakfasting at my favorite local diner, writing this entry. The smoke from the fire burning in the Angeles National Forest has been brought to my area. It has dropped down to street level, obscuring the road slightly. The ash falls softly, like an evil snow that brings destruction. The air is oppressive, even for my smoker’s lungs.

I took the photo above yesterday, saying that fires make for interesting photographs, but today I’m reminded of the horror that it brings as well. I remember when the fire was dangerously close to us, only a few years back. Roads were closed off to my work and I literally saw patches of fire on the hills.

As scary as it sounds, I always remind myself that any place one lives will have a risk of natural disaster. There are tornados and hurricanes and earthquakes. No place is safe from things like this.

I hope that everyone in this area or anyone currently experiencing some sort of crazy natural occurrence stays safe. Hopefully it’ll be over soon.


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Surpassed my original “best ever” view count! Woot. Which really isn’t that great a feat because I’m still in double digits. Thanks to everyone who came by to read my short stories and randomness!

Hopefully I can get back into a blogging rhythm!

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Quick Post: Burrito Filling

My burritos may not be pretty or authentic, but they’re pretty good and easy to make.


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A Girl Walks into A Bar

James was out for a smoke. Smoking was allowed in the bar, but he preferred to smoke outdoors. He lit his Marlboro Red and tried to loosen the tension that was forming in his back. All he wanted was a nice stress-free drink after work at the bar, but it never happened that way. He didn’t mind his friends coming up to greet him, ask him how he’s been and give the usual, “Fuck work!” to commiserate with what was a mutual stressor for most of the people in the bar. It was the women that annoyed him. Continue reading

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Unbridled Enthusiasm

“Oh my god. OH. MY. GOD. There it is! THERE IT IS!” I said to my group as I increased my pace. My eyes grew wider as I reached the display stand. I stopped just short of it, as if its beauty deserved my reverence.

A friend in my group was quickly next to it and was about to touch it, when I gave him the stink eye. He wasn’t deserving of it! I was sure of it! He looked uncomfortable under my stare and instead of looking at it himself, he placed it in my hands. Continue reading

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CWMP: On Orange Juice

Dad: ‘Nak, I put on the list, orange juice, por da groceries.
MEESH: Well Dad, what kind of orange juice do you want? Did you like the ones I’ve been buying? Like the one with pineapple? Or mango?
Dad: No…. I don’t like dat kind. I like da kind wid da..tropical…. da tropical orange juice.
MEESH: So you really just want Sunny Delight..
Dad: Yah. Da Sunny Delight.
MEESH: Dad.. that’s not orange juice!

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Over 1500 Miles of {mis}adventure (Part One)

I met the two bears. The Papa Bear actually walked out on the family after losing the civil suit against Goldilocks.

I met the two bears. The Papa Bear actually walked out on the family after losing the civil suit against Goldilocks.

Well the past few seven days has been interesting… to say the least. It was the best of times and it really was the worst of times, but you know what? While the worst times really REALLY sucked, I had a blast during the good parts. I’ll attempt to forget the bad parts or at least tuck it into that part of my brain that I only pull out when I’m feeling lousy.

In the past seven days, my body has travelled quite a bit… around 1500 miles, give or take. I’m going to check off the “go to a state I’ve never been to” bucket list thingie, even though it wasn’t 100% completed. I didn’t take Optimus out of California this time. Shout out to Conan’s Dad (Conan a cat belonging to Miss Kitty and her BF, now named Conan’s Dad) for letting us use his car. He gets way better gas milage. But let’s start from the beginning!

Continue reading

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