Fear and Doubt: AKA the Wonderful World of Miss Chelle Bee

Photo Jan 25, 9 08 06 AM

New ones on the right.

How do the new specs look? They’re the first pair of cheapo glasses I’ve had since I was a child. I like the look, but good God are they crappy and fragile. I don’t expect them to last too long, especially since I have to wear them all the time. I wish I could afford a proper pair right now, but all my focus is on my current project.

I went to bed upset last night, though. A part of me (the frightened part) wants to give up the idea of opening up a sweets stand at my local farmer’s market. There are so many variables working against me right now that the idea may just be one of those MEESHYrific ideas that my brain concocts. I mean, I’ve only been in the cooking game all of one month.

But for a thousand different reasons, I want it to work. I want it because it helps me release all this stupid creative energy that I can’t put into drawing or crafting the way my sister and cousins can. I want it so that I can help out my friends who need work. I want it for the fact that I can be a stay at home daughter to my dad and still support myself. I want it for the silly idea of a tip jar to help send my mom and dad to the Philippines so that my mom can see my grandmother after almost 26 years without physical contact. I want it because the idea was mine and it makes me so happy right now.

I hate that the fear is holding me back. I hate knowing that I will be so depressed to find out someone hated my work or got sick from it. I hate feeling as though my equipment is inadequate. I hate not having the start up money for it. I hate what I’m going to have to do for that. But all dreams take a leap of faith right? I wish I kept some of my loan money right about now.

I don’t know if it’s the right time to start a business. I don’t know if there’s any right time to do that, however, I feel like if I don’t try to make this work, I’ll be stuck LOOKING for a job forever. I’ve never been able to find a job as anything other than a caregiver. So I guess I’ll have to make my own job.

If I was skinny, I’d dance to make the start up money. But that’s not possible. I’ll keep you posted after I do what needs to be done for this. Wish me luck. Send me good vibes, please. I need this right now.

About mischameesh

Messy Meesh: Learning How to Cook and Live a Happier Life
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